Telling Her
by weirdgirl42
Summary: When Melinda May gets the news, her world goes numb. Tells the story of May learning of Coulson's death and resurrection with some flashbacks interspersed. Technically a part of the Unfamiliarly Perfect series but can be read alone.


_Disclaimer: I don't own anything related to Marvel._

**Helicarrier-One Hour Dead**

"I got red in my ledger, I'd like to wipe it out."

Clint nodded and the two of them sat in silence for a while.

"Clint there's something else," Natasha said.

"What is it?"

"Coulson's dead."

All the air ran out of his lungs at once. It wasn't possible. There was no way something as superficial as a half-insane Asgardian could be the end of Phil Coulson. But the lone tear he saw run down her cheek was all the confirmation he needed. Leaning forward he dug the heels of his hands into his eyes. He wanted to punch something, shoot someone, he wanted Natasha to hit him in the head again so that when he woke up none of this would have happened.

"I'm sorry," she said, putting a hand on his shoulder. "He was your SO, I can't even…I don't…" she trailed off.

Clint stood up off the bed and threw one of the side tables across the room. Natasha was at his side and he hid his face against her shoulder. He wanted to cry, could feel the pressure behind his eyes and in his throat but it hurt too much to cry. After a few minutes he took a breath and looked up at her.

"We've gotta tell Mels," he said.

Natasha's eyes widened. "Oh god."

XXXXXXXXXX

**_SHIELD Academy—25 Years Ago_**

_"Melinda May?"_

_She turned away from the punching bag and wiped a hand down her sweaty face. A man in a suit was standing with his arms crossed. He had on a pair of sunglasses which was a little ridiculous because the gym would never be described as bright. When she nodded her head in acknowledgement he took the glasses off and slipped them into the breast pocket of his shirt and she realized he wore them for dramatic effect. She suppressed a smile._

_"Phil Coulson," he said, reaching out to shake her hand. "I've just been assigned your SO."_

_May looked him up and down. He couldn't have been much older than her. He certainly didn't look like he could match her in any form of combat. But she'd heard of Phil Coulson before. Everyone had. She knew that he'd been handpicked by Fury and to underestimate him was probably a mistake._

_"Fury told me you weren't much for small talk," he continued. "So I just wanted to introduce myself and let you know we have a mission tomorrow, 0700. Meet me in the hanger bay." He put his sunglasses back on and grinned, " I hear you're quite the pilot."_

_This time May couldn't help but smile._

XXXXXXXXXX

**Washington DC-One and a Half Hours Dead**

Everyone in the administrative headquarters was on high alert. May could feel the adrenaline coursing through her body. She clenched her hands into fists until her nails dug into the skin of her palms. As every fiber of her being wanted to jump into a car and drive as fast as possible to New York, every fiber was also panicking at the idea of combat.

As the two sides fought against each other, May found herself unable to do anything but watch the video screens and occasionally bark orders to low level agents.

Her pocket started to vibrate, she ignored it. Then after a minute it started to vibrate again. With jerky movements she dug it out and looked at the screen. _Incoming Call: Natasha Romanov._

"Are you alright?" May said by way of hello.

_"Mels?"_

"Are you and Clint alright?"

_"We're fine."_

"I heard Clint was compromised."

_"He's fine now."_

May gave a small smile of relief. "Do you need me?" she asked, even as she felt the panic tighten in her chest. She knew she would go if Natasha asked.

There was a long pause on the line.

"Natasha?"

_"Mels it's Coulson. Loki…he…Coulson's dead."_

Everything around her faded away. All she could hear was the rushing of blood in her ears. It was so loud it drowned out the phones ringing around the office, the people running around, the yelling. She could still barely hear Natasha's voice calling her name from somewhere very far away. Almost on autopilot May ended the call and let the phone drop to the ground.

XXXXXXXXXX

**_SHIELD "Bus"—20 Years Ago_**

_"This was over the line Agent May!"_

_The shouting reverberated through the plane. May stifled her laughter and quickly locked the cockpit hatch so that Agent Tucker wouldn't be able to get in. After a few moments there came some banging on the door._

_"Open up Melinda I know you're in there!"_

_May said nothing and just tried to imagine how Tucker's face must look. The pounding and yelling continued for several more minutes before another voice joined in. May listened to Tucker exclaim that if something wasn't done about her he was transferring out of the DC office. May didn't hear the much more even-toned response but she did hear Tucker storm off._

_After a moment there was a gentle knock at the door and May smiled, unlocking the hatch. Coulson closed the door behind him and sat down in the co-pilot's seat._

_They sat side by side in silence for a while, watching the light fade and the stars begin to emerge._

_ "Look I'm not going to sit here and argue that Agent Tucker's a pleasant guy" Coulson said at last, "but food coloring in the showerhead? Really?"_

_May looked over at him and smiled._

_"He's going to be red for weeks you know."_

_May raised an eyebrow. "His face is red from screaming most of the time anyway. No one will notice the difference."_

_Coulson chuckled. "Says if I don't reassign you he's going to transfer."_

_"I heard." She turned to stare out the window again. "We don't need him."_

_Coulson looked at her, his eyes softening. "No, we don't."_

_"You, me, and Clint. We're fine on our own."_

_"Yes we are."_

_They sat in silence for a while longer._

_"He's going to be really mad," May said, "when he realizes I put a bouillon cube in the other shower."_

_This time Coulson laughed out loud._

XXXXXXXXXX

**Washington DC-Six Days Dead**

They wouldn't let her see his body. It had taken everything in her not to punch the young stuttering agent who told her that it was Fury's orders keeping her from seeing Phil.

She was numb. It was a cliché but in this case there was no other word for how she felt. She hadn't cried, hadn't screamed and yelled or put a hole in a wall, hadn't even been able to really think at all. The ringing in her ears wouldn't go away, like a constant low-level white noise that kept everything else out.

The funeral was in DC. She knew she should've worn a dress, her mother would be horrified at the fact that she had gone to a fellow agent's funeral wearing black pants and a leather jacket. But May couldn't bring herself to put any real thought into dressing. So she mindlessly grabbed her normal clothes, waited outside her apartment for Maria's to show up, climbed into Maria's car, and stared blankly out the windshield until they arrived at the cemetery.

There were a lot of people there. May knew this would've made Coulson happy, though he'd pretend like they shouldn't have all gone to the trouble. She saw Tony Stark, Steve Rogers, and Bruce Banner standing off to one side. They all wore non-descript suits and sunglasses, obviously wanting to pay their respects without drawing attention away from Coulson. Pepper was there too, though she was standing next to Fury, her eyes red.

May quickly scanned the crowed for Natasha and Clint but didn't see them. Then, as though they could read her mind, they were both beside her, nodding to Maria who hadn't left May's side since they'd gotten out of the car. She briefly registered Natasha saying her name but didn't respond, her eyes were now fixed on the casket raised above the not-long-to-be-empty grave. She felt Maria's hand on her shoulder, but that was all she felt.

Fury spoke. So did a woman May assumed was Coulson's cellist. She remembered Coulson telling her once about the beautiful cellist who laughed at his jokes. She'd been happy for him. Even though it made the muscles around her heart feel tight. Then, after what could have been an hour or could have been a week, the casket was lowered into the ground.

Maria squeezed May's shoulder. "Are you coming to Stark's or do you want me to drop you home?"

May looked over at her with unfocused eyes and simply shook her head. "Go," she said quietly.

"Mels…" Clint said from her other side.

"I'm fine," May said. "Just go." Then without another word she walked away.

She walked until the sun went down. She wasn't even sure what direction she'd gone. The streetlights came on and she looked up only to realize she was in Georgetown. She'd walked to his apartment building.

XXXXXXXXXX

**_Dubai—10 Years Ago _**

_They'd flown straight from Bahrain to the safehouse in Dubai. May hadn't spoken since coming out of the warehouse covered in blood. She'd stared straight ahead and let herself be led onto the plane by Clint who'd put her in a bunk and then quickly gotten them off the ground. Coulson had stood outside the room the entire time, standing guard and waiting for any sound. None came._

_They drove from the plane to the apartment complex that served as the safehouse. Clint carried May and Coulson's bags into one of the apartments. Then Coulson told Clint to call Fury and update him and then sent the other agent to bed. Clint had started to protest but one look from Coulson silenced any complaint._

_Coulson brought May into the bathroom, quickly removed her clothing. He'd hoped to be able to leave her underwear and bra but even that was soaked in red. He knew now was not the time for modesty, he needed to keep her from going further into shock. So he ignored the fact that he was finally seeing her naked and instead focused on getting the shower to the right temperature and getting her into it._

_When he was sure she could at least keep herself standing he stepped back and shucked his suit so that he was standing in boxers and a white t-shirt. Then he gathered up the ruined clothes, threw them into a plastic bag he'd brought from the plane, and tossed it into a corner._

_She was still just standing under the shower spray when he stepped in beside her. As gently as possible he washed the rest of the blood off her skin and hair. He was conscious of the fact that under normal circumstance she would probably kick him in the face for getting this close to her. But he couldn't think about that now._

_When all the blood was gone he turned off the water, wrapped her in a towel and quickly did his best to dry her long hair. She was shivering and so was he. Back in the bedroom he helped her into a pair of sweats and a t-shirt from his own bag, grateful he always brought two sets on missions. When she was dressed he sat her on the bed and retreated back into the bathroom to get rid of his now sopping wet clothes and put on sweats himself._

_Back in the bedroom he did a quick check to make sure she wasn't injured anywhere and then helped her climb under the covers. She made a sound of protest when he went to turn off the light so he left it on as her eyes finally drifted closed._

_Coulson threw on a sweatshirt and sat down in a chair next to the bed. He couldn't help it, he just stared at her, watching her chest rise and fall, watching for any sign of distress. He couldn't remember ever being as scared as he'd been when she'd gone into the warehouse alone. He was sure he'd never see her again. And now he wondered if maybe he never would, at least not the Melinda May he'd known for so long. He watched her for what seemed like hours but the stress of the day finally caught up and his own eyes fell shut._

_He woke with a jerk and his heart started to race when he realized she was no longer in the bed. He frantically searched through the rest of the room but she was gone. The door was still latched from the inside so he knew she couldn't have gone that way. Then he saw that the window to the fire escape was open and he had his answer._

_The apartment was on the 10__th__ floor of a 15 story building so he didn't have very far to climb to reach the roof where he knew she'd be. When he climbed up over the last little ledge his eyes scanned the roof until he saw a lone figure standing on the other side. As he moved closer he realized May was standing on the edge of the building._

_"No!" he cried out. "No please Mel." He raced over to her and yanked her away from the edge, ignoring the shout of anger that came from her. He dragged her to the center of the roof and held her against his chest as she struggled. "Please Mel, please don't," he said. He knew that if she hadn't still be in shock she would have been able to fight him off but in her weakened state he was able to keep her in his arms despite her struggle. Eventually her body stilled except for a constant shiver against the desert night. He released her long enough to take off his sweatshirt and slip it on over her head before wrapping his arms around her again._

_"I'm here," he whispered into her hair. "It's okay. I'm here."_

_May let out a sob and buried her head against his chest._

_He held her tighter. "I'm here."_

XXXXXXXXXX

**Coulson's Apartment—Ten Days Dead**

She's not sure how many bottles of whiskey she's been through. There had been three in the cupboard when she'd arrived at his apartment four days ago and she vaguely remembers leaving the apartment at one point to get more. She supposed she could count the empty bottles but that required a lot of work. It was easier just to wonder and then let the thought float out of her head.

The armchair in Coulson's apartment was surprisingly comfortable for a place she assumed he spent very little time in. She wondered how much longer she could sit in this chair without eating before she'd just fall asleep and never wake up again.

He'd been dead more than a week. She still hadn't cried, though she was pretty sure she had smashed one empty bottle against a wall at some point. Or was it a picture frame? She couldn't remember. It might have been that picture frame she had found showing her, Coulson, and Clint right after Clint had joined SHIELD and they had become his de-facto joint SOs. She remembered wandering around the apartment several times. Looking at pictures, Captain America memorabilia, empty take-out containers, and more suits than she thought any man would ever need.

The suits still smelled like him. So did the bed. The chair was the safest option.

There was a sound at the door. May looked over and tried to prepare herself for an attack. Or for a landlord coming to clean the place. But the fog in her head combined with the whiskey diet made it impossible to do anything but stare as the door handle turned and a black leather clad figure strode into the room.

Fury.

"Hello Agent May," he said.

May just looked up at him through lidded eyes and took another swig of Jack Daniels.

Fury walked purposefully across the room and kneeled down in front of her. "Agent May, there are 11 people in the world who know what I am about to tell you. You are going to be the 12th and last person who can ever know."

May rolled her eyes. More SHIELD secrets. More SHIELD sacrifices that were never enough.

"Agent Coulson is alive."

It was as though the light of all Asgard had shot down to Earth at once, cutting through the fog and pain and alcohol. Alive. Alive. Alive. The bottle fell from her hand and May leaned forward until her elbows were resting on her knees. Fury was still talking but May wasn't hearing any of it. Ten days after her world had gone dark and thirty seconds after the light had come back on, May felt tears running down her cheeks.

Alive. Alive. Alive.

**The End**

_Thanks for reading! Please review!_


End file.
